The Clarence Clearwater Documentaries
by Sev's Egyptian
Summary: Soo, this is a continuation of our first Documentary on, The Snape. Follow Clarence Clearwater through his documentaries on various characters throughout the book... and the continuation of irritating Snape.
1. The Snape

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, this was originally broken up over our last story in the Adventures of Pimp Voldemort, but we felt as though it should be moved into our Clarence Clearwater Docs =^.^= Read and Review and all that jazz. And as before, we own nothing *cries*

We bring ourselves to view the Snape in his natural habitat, watch, as he stalks his prey, the young and naïve first year. See how he jumps from the shadows and ambushes his prey; their tears of anguish sustain him. Oh no, he's caught sight of us!

"Who the hell are you and why the hell are you following me?"

Oh dear, he sounds quite angry at us for invading his territory, we should back away before we anger him further, provoking him to defend his turf.

"I'm not a damn animal! Quit making me sound like one!"

Oh my, he's quite temperamental, it must be close to his mating season, causing him to become more aggressive as to ward off other male rivals seeking the females in his territory. Watch, as he pulls his lips back and snarls at us, in a clear display of intimidation and dominance.

"What I do in my private quarters during mating season…what the hell, I don't have a mating season… I'm not a damn animal! I'm leaving before you give me more reason to kill you." Snape growled as he stalked down the hall.

Now watch as he retreats to his shelter. Oh my, what have we here? A rare sight indeed, we are seeing a pack of female Hogwarts students following him, rather aggressively. Good heavens, those aren't students, those are…no, those are, those are, Fan Girls! They must have been drawn to him from his mating musk.

Oh, dear, this seems to be getting rather serious, they are mauling him, and, he seems to be overwhelmed. Oh, dear, they've over taken him and are taking him to what seems to be a broom closet, their lair. Who knows what horrors await the Snape who is most likely being ravaged by lust driven females, in heat.

**Nine Hours Later…**

We have been awaiting for the Snape to emerge form the lair of the females in heat. It seems very unlikely that after nine hours he will be able to walk. But wait! He just emerged from the broom closet, what vitality! He will surely bear strong offspring by one of these females at least, hopefully more for it seems as though the Snape is a very strong species.

But as he approaches, I can see that he seems to be…traumatized. What horrors he has gone through to produce potential offspring, much like the male praying mantis. We will now leave the Snape to tend to his wounds in peace. This documentary was brought to you by Clarence Clearwater.

"What the hell, you knew I was being raped and yet you didn't get help! What is wrong with you? While I'm not complaining that those were the worst hours of my life, they certainly weren't necessary!" Snape ran into his private rooms, slamming the door.

Welcome back to the second installment of the Snape Documentary from the feeding grounds, where mating season has come to a close and the males can be seen roaming their turf in peace.

"You again, why can't you just leave me the hell alone?"

Uh oh, it seems that he has spotted us again, we shall have to resume filming at a further distance, as to not disturb him.

"Like hell you will, get that damn camera away from me before I break it and your face, can't you just let me eat my breakfast in peace?"

It seems that the male Snape is quite protective of his food, and like all males, is not willing to share. Oh my, here comes another male, quite older than the Snape, let's see how they interact with each other.

"Dumbledore, why is this ignorant buffoon following me around, and further more, how the hell did he get into the castle in the first place?"

"Why I let him in of course! I thought that it would be something fun and exciting for the castle; he's going to do documentaries on us all! Doesn't that sound fun!?"

It seems that the other male is the Alpha of the pack; therefore he is the one who makes the decisions. But, the Snape does not sound pleased with this decision, and may try to over throw the current alpha male, for he is younger and more virile than the elder.

"You know, even though I am not an animal, and I hate you…that is a very good idea."

Good heavens, it seems that the Snape has shed his winter coat and has grown a new white one, much like a Roman toga, and has picked up what seems to be a glowing stick in which to channel his rage towards the Dumbledore.

"Metamorphere in Dumbledorem!"

It seems that the Snape has just uttered his battle cry, this challenging the Alpha male to a fight. And oh my, it seems to have an immediate effect on the other male, who has just been turned into a bumblebee.

"Boo!"

The Snape seems to have transformed the other male into a Boo Bee! We best leave to let the new Alpha adjust to his position of power. Signing off, this is Clarence Clearwater.

And we're back with the final installment of the Snape Documentary. Here we can watch as he bathes himself to keep his coat clean to impress the females of Hogwarts.

"What the hell?! How did you get in here? Who gave you the password?"

Uh oh, he seems to have seen us once more, quiet a clever creature the Snape, isn't he?

"I'm not an animal, this has got to be illegal, come on!"

He seems to be enraged by our presence; we'll have to tranquilize him in order to get close enough to tag him for later research.

"Why do you have a gun, what are those? Are those tranquilizer darts?! Jesus tap-dancing Christ, get away from me you mad man! I'm not an animal, I'm a…"

And with that final cry, our subject falls to the floor unconscious, in a blissful state of sleep. Now, we can place this tag on his ear, cleverly disguised as an earring, so we can track him for later research. This has been Clarence Clearwater, thank you for watching.


	2. The Malfoys

**Disclaimer: ** we do not own Harry potter or anything other than Clarence Clearwater *Not the singer* (If _I_ did, do you think I'd be sitting here typing about Snape? Heck no, he'd be chained in my bedroom, married to me… don't you just feel bad for my friend, the other author?)

By the way, brownie points –or a cookie- to whoever can guess which one of us typed the disclaimer XD

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* * *

Clarence Clearwater Documentaries: In the Malfoy's Den**

It is an ordinary day at the Malfoy mansion, white peacocks roaming the front yard, Narcissa drinking her daily "medicinal" martinis at the watering hole, and Luscious doing is daily palates to stay limber and in shape for his Lord Pimp.

Hello, once again this is Clarence Clearwater coming to you live from the green plains of the Malfoy Den. Today we shall be exploring the daily lives of the Malfoy "male," his mate, and the cub. As can be seen, the Malfoy species can asexually reproduce as well as with a mate, for the alpha of the pack can be determined to be neither male nor female; thus we have come to this conclusion.

Little is known of the Malfoy species, for they can be born a veela, judging by their blond hair and blue eyes, but can be easily swayed by an alpha-male much more laden with testosterone than them. As we can see the Alpha Malfoy has clearly been swayed by the Death Eater alpha-male, while the female retains her origins of the mother country Germany- also known as- Deutschland, home of the veela.

But this poses a problem for the cub, as he must choose between the two dominating classes.

Look! The cub is emerging from the den! He seems to be mounting one of the white peacocks that roam their territory, exhibiting the nature of the veelas who ride their pure-bred Swastika eagles (A/N: yes, they do exist. Look it up on google.); this shows a conflict emerging for the alpha-male. The cub seems to be choosing the mother's class.

Now let us watch as the alpha Malfoy departs from his den to seek new territory near the Snape.

* * *

At Hogwarts

It is the morning meal for the younglings in the Hogwarts territory, the returning alpha-male; Dumbledore seems to have recovered from his fight with the Snape.

Oh my, it seems that we have encountered the Snape once more and he has become alerted to our presence in his territory. He is quite hostile to intruders.

"Son-of-a-mother what is he doing here again!?"

The Dumbledore seems to be getting up to calm the Snape from his rage.

"Now, now Snape- I thought it would be a capital idea to have Mr. Clearwater here to film our newest teacher in action!

"New teacher, what is this you speak of?"

Oh dear, it seems that the Snape has become rather agitated due to the arrival of the new "male" entering his territory.

"New male, what are you talking about?! Why wasn't I informed of this!?"

"Come now Snape, m' boy, I told you Lusciou- I mean Lucius would be teaching yoga to help the students deal with years of verbal and psychological abuse from you."

"No, you didn't!"

"Oh… well I meant to. I can't even remember what I did five minutes ago. You really should keep tabs on these things, Severus."

"I wish death upon you, old man."

The tension seems high, but wait here comes the new "male," let's watch how the Snape and the male shall react.

"Son-of-a-whore -"

"-Huh, I didn't say anything."

Oh dear, the Malfoy cub seems to believe the Snape is addressing him; this may lead to later conflict.

"Not you, Draco! It's an expression! Learn the difference!"

Oh my, the Malfoy cub seems to have become rather upset and dejected at the scolding from the Snape and has flown off on a white peacock once more. This seems to be a form of relief of sorrow for the cub.

* * *

In the yoga classroom

The alpha-Malfoy is now teaching the cubs of Hogwarts how to attract a mate through dance. The alpha-Malfoy's true colors seem to have shown in quickly transforming the yoga class into a cultural Death Eater-style stripping class which involves the shedding of the outer fur. The Malfoy is teaching the cubs this method of attracting mates much like the dance of the bird of paradise (A/N: The more you know!)

What's this? It seems as if an older, rogue female has wandered into the mating grounds.

"What's going on here!?"

"My dear fellow lady, I am simply teaching these children yoga."

"This is NOT yoga! In fact, this must be a violation of the rules!"

"Screw the rules, I have money!"

It appears that the alpha-Malfoy has engaged the rogue female and is inviting her to join in their mating display.

"That's a brilliant idea! Why don't you join in the class, McGonagall?"

The McGonagall seems to be hesitating; her age must be affecting her.

"I'll show you who's old!"

By god! The older female has begun to imitate the moves of the cubs, rotating around what seems to be a thin, metal, tree- often known as the "stripper pole"- showing us that one can never be too old to engage in the sacred display.

Oh no, the McGonagall seems to have fallen and broken her hip- and can't get up! It seems that her mating years have truly, come to a close.

What ho, there seems to be an intruder on the lesson hiding in the shadows. The vibrant red hair shows that the male is from the warring clan of the Death Eaters… the veelas! This will cause quite a conflict later on in regards to the Malfoys.

* * *

In the veela lair

The alpha-male of the veelas, the one they call "Führer," seems to have been enraged by the Malfoy clan who he observed to be recruiting new initiates for his Pack-Leader, Voldemort. (A/N: Once more, due to the 'Nazi' propaganda as in the first series, please see the bottom for translations 'cause we're too lazy to include them here)

"Meine Anhängers, wir müssen für den Kampf in der Nähe vorbereiten!"

He seems to be giving a moving speech to rally his pack.

"Unser Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!"

"Die Zeit werde für unseren Sieg kommen!"

The rally seems to be working now that the Ron has learned to cut down on the speeches of excessive length as they seem to tire the veelas and cause them to fall asleep.

* * *

At an AA meeting

"My name is Narcissa, and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hi, Narcissa."

It seems that the Narcissa is seeking aid away from her mate with a new pack, neither veela nor Death Eater; the Alcoholics Anonymous. (A/N: By the way, the name 'Death Eaters' is by far the least threatening name they could have chosen; I mean really, that just makes them cannibals and/or necrophiliacs… not mass murderers)

"I drink to deal with my husband whoring himself out to other men, and my son's tears of anguish."

Oh dear, it seems that the Narcissa has broken down in tears at the realization of how splendidly awful her life is; this harsh realization is one that she has avoided for many years now…. This is the first step in overcoming her addiction.

* * *

In the Snape's Lair

Clarence Clearwater here, we have once again successfully infiltrated the Snape's Lair once more, as he has become a favorite of this Documenter. His strong, determined personality and hostile territorial responses intrigue this man.

He has not yet become alerted to my presence in his den, perhaps he has taken a female to his dwellings; perhaps one of the fangirls that had previously raped the Snape… this seems like it will be an exciting latest installment of the Snape Documentary indeed.

Let's take a closer look, shall we? Torturous screams seem to be coming from deep within the Snape's den, let's find out the source. Oh my, it seems the Snape caught a rival male on his turf and is demonstrating his dominance and physical prowess. Listen to the young naïve male scream.

"Why are you doing this to me; I don't even know who you are!"

"Lockhart, you may not remember me, but I certainly remember you, you blundering fop of a man!"

The poor younger male seems to be trying to show signs of submission in hopes that the Snape will take pity on him, and spare him from this fate.

"Yeah, that is not going to happen anytime soon… I plan to continue this for as long as I please, when I become bored of you, then I shall simply discard of you like the vermin you are."

What a malicious smirk! The Snape and this, so called, Lockhart, seem to have an unpleasant past. Soon, the Snape will have to rest, and the young male may have a chance to escape.

"Unlike you mortals, I have no need for sleep."

Oh dear, this is going to be a long year for both the Lockhart and the Snape; one more enjoyable than the other. I can only guess what terrors will befall the Lockhart…

Stay tuned for our next documentary, signing off, this has been Clarence Clearwater.

* * *

TRANSLATIONS:

"Meine Anhängers, wir müssen für den Kampf in der Nähe vorbereiten!" (My followers, we must prepare for the fight at hand!)

"Unser Führer! Wir wohnen für dich!" (Our Führer! We live for you!)

"Die Zeit werde für unseren Sieg kommen!" (The time will come for our victory!)


	3. Interlude with the Snape

**Disclaimer: We own nothing! So yeah, my friend and I who are writing the story live across the city in our state, so it's taking some time to get together for our Documentary Series =^.^= but have no fear, summer is nearly here!! Which means quicker updates (let us know who you'd like to see a documentary of!) So now, for your entertainment, we present to you, Interlude with the Snape.  
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* * *

Substitute Teacher**

Principle: Class, today we will be combining your Contemporary Law and Justice and chemistry classes.

Random Student: Why? Couldn't we just have a normal day?

Principle: NO! We shall combine the classes because we hired only one substitute since we are a bunch of fat, lazy, jerks!

Goth Kid: Okay… So, who is our new conformist, governmental zombie teacher?

Principle: Well he _looks_ like a maniac depressive gypsy, BUT, his doctors gave him medication which provides him with brief moments of lucidity.

Goth Kid: … Sometimes it's best not to ask…

(Door opens and whole class stares in awe as…Severus Snape WALKS IN!!!)

Principle: I'll be leaving now and ignoring all screams and pleads for help for I'll be listening to "I'm In Love with a Stripper" (Walks out Singing)

Snape: Class, pay attention…

Random Student: Or what yah fruit loop!

Snape: (Eye twitches) …Or I will rip out your esophagus and strangle you with it!!!

Nerd In Back: Excuse me sir, but that's not physically possible.

Snape: (Glares) want to test that little theory of yours?

Nerd In Back: We's promises Master, we's swares not to question your almighty ring of power and… stuff. (Suddenly mauled by a giant vampire squirrel)

Snape: (Cracks whip) Fatuus, Dismissed!!

**A/N: Major brownie points to anyone if they know what language this is or what it means.–Hint- I'm taking a really random language class, Carpe Diem Baby!**

Fatuus: SQUEEK!! (Teleports to Snape's side then melts into the shadows)

Class: …

Goth Kid: Like I said, sometimes it's best not to ask.

Snape: What can I say; his voice filled me with such rage… it was like nails were scraping on the blackboard in the back of my mind…

Preppy Person: What are we gonna be doing in law?

Snape: (Coughs) Yes, well, today we will be debating who would win the argument, 'Aging Hippie Liberal Douche vs Pissed White Trash Redneck Conservative'.

Class: O_o

Random Stereotype: (Cries) I wanna go home!! (Consoled by Zen Hippie)

Snape: (Slaps Zen Hippie) Pull yourself together man! Now that that's over, onto Biology!

Zen Hippie: (Holds cheek) But we haven't even started Law, man!

Snape: Here's a lesson for you, what happens when someone doesn't know how to SHUT UP!

Zen Hippie: They fight the establishments!

Snape: WRONG! YOU FAIL!! FATUUS, ATTACK!!!! (Cracks whip)

Fatuus: ROAR!

Zen Hippie: WTF!? Isn't there a law against this? (Runs off)

Snape: I AM ABOVE THE LAW! Besides, who cares what hippies think, I don't. (Walks out and returns with a large cage with a tarp over it) Today in Biology we will be dissecting and performing weird experiments on WEREWOLVES!

Preppy Person: Is that safe, or appropriate for the laws of nature for that matter?

Snape: Who cares! (Smiles) I put them to sleep with novacane.

Goth Kid: No amount of therapy will ever make this day okay.

Snape: Now, all of you come up and grab a werewolf and then open up your book to the page that contain the Periodic Table of the Elements while I disperse the chemicals with symbols on them!

Preppy Person: Why do we need to open them to the Table that has their meanings?

Snape: Cause I don't know them! There is a 99.99% chance of DOOM today! Mwahahaha!!!! Oh, you may want to check if the wolves are _completely_ unconscious.

Goth Kid: Do we have anything to sedate them with if they wake up?

Snape: Shut up and grab a wolf or so help me god I will cut you.

Random Stereotype: Aren't you breaking every child endangerment law as well as some federal and naturals laws there are?

Snape: (Tosses scalpels and pins the student to the wall with them) I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!! 300 POINTS FROM GRIFINDOR!!

To be continued….


	4. The Lupin

**Disclaimer:** Yeah, we don't own Snape, Draco, etc… yada-yada. We are very proud to say that we do own Tail Feathers though =^.^=

* * *

"Good morning students! Guess what?! We have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher! No… not you Snape."

"Rats! Foiled again!"

Hello, Clarence Clearwater again. I'm filming in the territory of the Snape once more, where a new, strange male is being introduced to the pack by the Alpha Dumbledore.

"I would like to introduce you to our new, loyal and frisky teacher… Professor Remus-"

"I sense a great and furry danger in the near future! It is dangerous and plays fetch; and doesn't wear a collar as in accordance to the leash laws!"

Hmm it seems as though a crazed, bug-eyed, frizzy female known as the Trelawney has had a sudden, spastic premonition. Will this come in to play in the near future or is it simply another hoax in attempts to gain the Snape's favor by proving her worth to the pack. So far it does not seem as though the Snape is not responding to her advances.

"Psh he's too good for her!"

"Who said that!?" Snape growled.

Oh dear, it seems as though more than one female is competing for the Snape's attention. Let's watch the events unfurl.

Dumbledore stood up and cleared his throat, "As I was saying… actually I don't remember what I was saying… but look, it's Lupin! Hi Lupin!"

Look! The Snape looks quite angry and surprised. What an astounding sight!

"You've got to be freaking kidding me! Not only was Trelawney actually right for once, but Dumbledore has let a flea bitten mutt into the school; I bet he hasn't even gotten his rabies vaccination!"

Lupin glared at Snape, "While I may not have gotten my rabies vaccine I have gotten my rabbis vaccine."

"Wait… what?"

Bloody hell! It seems that the new male, the Lupin, is a bit of an anti-Semite!

"Lupin…are you anti-Semitic? You know what they say, you can't teach an _old_ dog new tricks, so I do believe that we should perhaps find a new teacher more…qualified, say, myself?"

"That was a long time and many movies ago!" Lupin growled.

The Snape gave a predatory smirk, "Then how do you explain your rabbis vaccination, hmmm?"

"I have my slips sometimes…" Lupin said in an undertone, "Just like you and your child abuse slips."

It seems as though the Lupin has had a dark past involving a BBC movie based on the novel The Boy in the Striped Pajamas, as the father, Rolf, this could prove interesting.

Hmmm is… I think the Snape is smiling! Oh my, I do believe that is plus one dead puppies, for another talent of the Snape is that whenever it smiles, a puppy dies; we suspect that this talent was developed to make for easy prey catching. Let's investigate as to the cause of his smile.

"I'm smiling, you blasted fool, because for one, my child abuse slips are merely verbal and psychological and I have tenure so I can't be fired, and with this information I can get Lupin fired and assume my rightful place as the supreme Alpha-male!"

Snape blinked slowly," I mean… avenge when I was wronged by him when he attacked me as a flea-bitten mongrel"

"Now who's acting like an animal, Snape?" Lupin grinned evilly.

It seems to me as though the Snape and the Lupin have had past confrontations for male dominance. It is unclear what this confrontation will bring for the two competing males.

* * *

In Professor Rolf… I mean, Lupin's Classroom

We are here in the Lupin's new den where he is instructing the cubs in the ways of defense. Ah, here the Lupin emerges from his private chamber to greet his new younglings; but wait! The Snape is lurking in the shadows and seems to be preparing to launch a surprise attack on the unsuspecting rival male.

There he is, swishing his wand and muttering under his breath… could the Snape be cursing the Lupin? Let's watch.

In an instant, Lupin's robes were transformed into an SS officer's uniform.

"Old habits die hard, eh Lupin?" Said the Snape, cackling evilly, melted into the shadows of the classroom.

"Oh come on! I was acting for god's sake! _Acting_!"

Oh my! This battle between the Lupin and the Snape seems to be taking a dark turn. The Snape is resorting to dirty fighting.

"He's _dirty_!"

The Snape's fangirl mates from last season have once again followed him into the shadow of the classroom where screams from the Snape can be heard. I cannot tell whether this is harmful or productive for the continuation of the Snape species.

Hmmm, now this is interesting… it seems that there is a hoard of veelas approaching the window of the class, riding atop of eagles.

"Traitor!" The veelas screeched, "How dare you abandon the cause!"

"Draco… is that your mother?"

"Yes… yes it is." Draco replied, stroking his albino peacock, Tail Feather.

"Where'd the peacock come from…?"

"My family breeds them. How else do you think we amassed our wealth?"

"Will you leave me alone!?" The Lupin exclaimed angrily.

It seems the Lupin wishes to turn his back on his past, but is failing rather miserably.

"You will come back!" The veelas cawed, "They _always_ do!"

"Oh and Draco, sweetie, dinner's at eight because your father's getting home late from dancing."

And now the veelas have taken off on their eagles and are flying into the sunset.

* * *

Clarence Clearwater here; we are observing a strange sight indeed. It seems as though the Lupin is following a trail of dog biscuits down into the dungeons. We can assume that the Snape has devised a trap for the Lupin, luring the unfortunate Lupin into his territory where he will be at his mercy.

"Ooooh! Cookie!"

As we can see, the Snape's plot is proving successful. Hmm, it seems that the Lupin is crawling under a box being held up by a stick that has a rope attached to it leading into the Snape's claws. Oh! There the Snape goes; he pulled the rope, effectively trapping the Lupin in the box, howling like a wounded pup.

The Snape is smiling as he drags his captured prey into his den, where he will most likely never be seen again. (A/N: +1 dead puppies)

**END… or is it?**

(A/N: It really isn't XD)


End file.
